It is done.
In advance I’d like to apologise for the late P today. I’m knackered and I have a hangover.
A few weeks ago some berk that occasionally uses this site to peddle his filthy wares correctly guessed that I was going to do some stand-up. Of course I denied all. I believe there was a wager in question to the tune of £10, or something, £10 he now owes me because I fobbed him off, and therefore won.
The venue was small; indeed, if it wasn’t from the generous support from my friends (I was actually rather touched that so many came and so many that couldn’t were so supportive) the audience would’ve been effectively halved. To be honest I was, initially, a bit disappointed by the turn out of strangers. My friends already know what a thumping great git I am and stood up in front them telling them stuff I wouldn’t even put on here wasn’t dong much to steady my pre gig nerves. Besides I know that a lot of them would’ve been feeling nervous by proxy and even if I’d come on like Bill Hicks may have been too stunned to react.
Urban Woo made an excellent MC, a task I would no more undertake than I would eat a Cornish pasty full of Tortoise turds and gelled all the acts into one seamless set as I paced up and down in the green room (I always wondered why it was thus named, I now know) trying to remember 9 minutes of material.
The other comics, 3 of which were pros and 4 of which weren’t, had all done this sort of thing before, some of them for years, and were rather surprised that this was my debut. The first guy on was bloody good, I wasn’t sure if this was a necessarily a good thing from my point of view so I decided to take myself off to the bar (I’d already had a couple of pints) to drink whisky and chain smoke. After a couple of other comics and what seemed like an age I was given a sparkling introduction and there I was.
The thing is, when you’re actually up there doing it it’s quite hard to get much of an idea of how it’s actually going, which sounds a odd –maybe it’s something that comes with practice, I was too busy trying to remember my set, a quarter of which I fortuitously forgot (I say ‘fortuitously’ because apparently the girl-kissing-after-sucking is very old hat) and ensure that I didn’t waffle my lines. Apart from when I’m blowing my wad I don’t think I’ve ever felt less like ‘me’. The adrenalin rush that I was expecting afterwards didn’t really happen; this may have had something to do with a sense of sheer confusion following coming off stage as I came back into myself.
According to friends, strangers and the other comics I went down very well. I was required to interrogate the opinions of all my friends to make sure they weren’t just being nice. There were 3 in particular that would’ve told me outright if they thought I was shit (my bro being one) and apparently, I wasn’t. Indeed, within minutes of getting off the stage I had other bookings.
I’m too knackered to write anymore, but like some dreadful curse I’ll be back Monday. Have nice weekends.
May 9th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
So I was right. Nice of you to deny it at the time. Anyway, sounds like an awful evening – can’t be doing with amateur comedians at all.
May 9th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
You owe me a tenner
I hate your new icon by the way, h8 it
May 9th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
You owe me a tenner, more like. I said I’d donate a tenner to charity if I was wrong about guessing what you were up to with your ponderous MI5 routine. As I wasn’t, it’s you wot owes me a tenner. And why so secretive? It’s not as if the world gives a fuck if you and your mates get together for a back-slapping exercise. Obviously, I gave a fuck – and look what it got me: LIES.
Swineshead suggested the icon change. I rather like it. He has a nice face.
May 9th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
holy fuck! congrats. personally i was sure you were going to have your wang skinned and stuffed inside your pelvis.
i’m of a nervous enough disposition that simply reading this account of doing stand-up was enough to give me actual heart palpitations, honest to god.
May 9th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Secretive because I didn’t want people that read this showing up, people like you, and Jim Davison
You owe me a tenner because I successfully fobbed U OFS
May 9th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Thanks Jon
See NC, at least someone appreciates what I dunned
May 9th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Appreciate that you were able to stand up in front of a room half-full of your friends and talk for nine minutes? What shall it be? The Victoria Cross, the Legion D’Honneur, or the Congressional Medal of Honor? Sorry if I’m not high-fiving your incredible achievements, old son – I will when you actually achieve something.
As for being secretive because you didn’t want folk turning up, well how’s about saying what you were doing without building something up for weeks that turns out to be an anti-climax, and simply not publishing the address? Unless things have changed since I was last in London, there’s more than one venue, isn’t there?
On the subject of me not turning up: What makes you think I’d go out of my way to go to an amateur comedy night miles away from where I live? I can see bumbling first-timers up here, cheers … not that I have the slightest interest in doing so.
And fobbing me off doesn’t change the fact that I correctly deduced what you were up to. A tenner’s what you owe me, and I intend to unleash violent fury on your person when we (unfortunately) meet if I don’t get my dues. That’s if Swineshead gets his arse in gear.
May 9th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Well done Mr Piqued. I hope you are going to sell out as soon as possible and start doing the voice over for feminine products.
May 9th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
It’s already in the pipeline Mr. Louche
*ahem*
Oooh, bodyform, yeah, you’re groovy, grooves for ladysteak
Mash it up
May 9th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
A stand up routine, trying to bring joy to people, are you mad?! Misery Piqued, misery, that is what should be brought to people, it’s what they deserve so stop it with the stand up…STOP…before all hope for you is lost!
May 12th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Oooh well done! That is Well Brave Mr Piqued!
May 12th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Thank you Ros. I’ll invite you next time if you want…
May 13th, 2008 at 10:21 am
Yes please, cos I will be living in London and everyfink then.
May 13th, 2008 at 10:21 am
What the fuck is that avatar next to my name about? It looks like a hippy swastika.