I had to turn Gordon Ramsey off.

This wasn’t because the show was largely bollocks, it was because fucking Geri Halliwell was on it pushing ‘her book’ and Ramsey was actually flirting with the harridan, it was like watching the school bully trying to score with the school bike, and failing.

Apparently, according to this incisive in depth fucking interview as Geri and Gordon made meatballs (Geri tonelessly repeated some guff about ‘mamma’s meatballs being the best’ and alluded to some sort of Spanish heritage in a futile attempt to scaffold a depth of character over and above the vacuous pimple-brained prick we all know and despise) Geri spoke of her career.

She doesn’t see herself as a diva, apparently, and accepts that, perhaps, she’s not as technically adept as Mariah Carey (who for all her sins can actually sing) so she’s turned, as she puts it, ‘to writing?’ Like, Children’s Books?’ and answers all questions with a question (called upspeak if we’re going to get technical) clearly indicating that she’s telling one long protracted fucking fib, because no one that stupid can hold a Bic the right way up let alone have the capacity to pen a bestseller.

Gordon helpfully mentions the title of ‘her book’, called Evigunder Millifluffle or some such shit; she repeats the title of ‘her book’ with such vehemence I thought her fucking eyes were going to shoot out of her gormless lolly pop head and hit that fat Welsh cunt Gordon had been crawling over five minutes previously. It was disgusting.

So I turned it off and played Scarface, actually I didn’t play Scarface, I made Scarface get in his car, drive about and kill lots of people, all of which I imagined to be wearing little Union Jack Dresses.

Oh, some of you that read this more than once will be aware of Cunt, well, he’s back, the knuckle dragging half wit has returned from wherever, back are the Mousterian pulses and thumps, fundamental confusion over the physics of doors and an all round air of chinless backwardness. I want to move again.

The sun seems to have fucked off as well.

(check out the audience)