I had to turn Gordon Ramsey off.
This wasn’t because the show was largely bollocks, it was because fucking Geri Halliwell was on it pushing ‘her book’ and Ramsey was actually flirting with the harridan, it was like watching the school bully trying to score with the school bike, and failing.
Apparently, according to this incisive in depth fucking interview as Geri and Gordon made meatballs (Geri tonelessly repeated some guff about ‘mamma’s meatballs being the best’ and alluded to some sort of Spanish heritage in a futile attempt to scaffold a depth of character over and above the vacuous pimple-brained prick we all know and despise) Geri spoke of her career.
She doesn’t see herself as a diva, apparently, and accepts that, perhaps, she’s not as technically adept as Mariah Carey (who for all her sins can actually sing) so she’s turned, as she puts it, ‘to writing?’ Like, Children’s Books?’ and answers all questions with a question (called upspeak if we’re going to get technical) clearly indicating that she’s telling one long protracted fucking fib, because no one that stupid can hold a Bic the right way up let alone have the capacity to pen a bestseller.
Gordon helpfully mentions the title of ‘her book’, called Evigunder Millifluffle or some such shit; she repeats the title of ‘her book’ with such vehemence I thought her fucking eyes were going to shoot out of her gormless lolly pop head and hit that fat Welsh cunt Gordon had been crawling over five minutes previously. It was disgusting.
So I turned it off and played Scarface, actually I didn’t play Scarface, I made Scarface get in his car, drive about and kill lots of people, all of which I imagined to be wearing little Union Jack Dresses.
Oh, some of you that read this more than once will be aware of Cunt, well, he’s back, the knuckle dragging half wit has returned from wherever, back are the Mousterian pulses and thumps, fundamental confusion over the physics of doors and an all round air of chinless backwardness. I want to move again.
The sun seems to have fucked off as well.
(check out the audience)
Tags: F word, geri halliwell, gordon ramsey, motorhead, Mousterian, Scarface, the hammer, Union Jack Dress
May 14, 2008 at 10:20 am |
Lemmy’s an arsehole.
May 14, 2008 at 10:34 am |
No we both know you don’t mean that
May 14, 2008 at 10:34 am |
(I meant ‘Now we both..’ etc., of course)
May 14, 2008 at 10:54 am |
‘Sorry this video is no longer available’ sort it out, I quite fancied a bit of Kilmister action.
May 14, 2008 at 10:58 am |
Looks like I’ll have to resort to a link BA
May 14, 2008 at 11:06 am |
“No we both know you don’t mean that”
Really? And here was I thinking I did. And why? After finding out he sent a solicitor’s letter to the illustrator who designed the snaggletooth logo, demanding the guy handed over the rights to it for free. The poor bugger had never made a penny out of it apart from his original fee (and had never asked for a share of the millions the logo has generated in merchandising, as was his right), and then Lemmy pops up twenty years later ordering him to hand over his intellectual property rights for nothing. The man was so incensed, he threatened to sue, and the band had to do a very hasty u-turn and hand over several millions – something they would never have needed to do if Lemmy hadn’t been so fucking rude. Like I say, he’s an arsehole.
May 14, 2008 at 11:13 am |
That said, hats off to him for fucking every member of Hawkwind’s wives and girlfriends when the pricks sacked him.
May 14, 2008 at 11:26 am |
http://motorhead.proboards9.com/index.cgi?board=generalmotorhead&action=print&thread=2747
Doesn’t seem that clear cut to me, Joe is a very successful artists btw, it seems an attempt to prevent bootlegging the snaggletooth logo took a wrong turn
May 14, 2008 at 11:33 am |
You’re link confirms exactly what I’ve just said. They demanded the rights, and then had to back-track when the guy blew his top with a hastily thought-up ‘anti-bootlegging’ excuse. That wasn’t in the original letter to the artist. If it had been, he wouldn’t have been so offended.
May 14, 2008 at 11:45 am |
Joe owes his career to Lemmy btw
And there is no evidence of the nature / tone of the original approach to the artists or from whom, just an emotional reaction from Joe
Seems like hungry lawyers have got involved here and it’s got personal, as said, we don’t know the full story. Lemmy’s letter seems to corroborate my feelings on the matter.
Obviously you’ll be defaulting with sympathies to Joe because of what you do, fair enough.
May 14, 2008 at 11:46 am |
(btw, Lemmy still plays with Hawkwind and lets face it, they didn’t do his career any harm by firing him did they)
May 14, 2008 at 12:08 pm |
“we don’t know the full story”
Well you might not. I, on the other hand, have access to slightly better sources of information than internet message boards.
May 14, 2008 at 12:13 pm |
Well go on then John Simpson, spill the Heinz yeah…
May 14, 2008 at 12:17 pm |
I love the way the audience appears to be made up of both proper headbangers (not that guff that passes for headbanging these days) and girls who just happened to pop in on their way back from Chelsea Girl with their carrier bags full of, no doubt, pedal pushers.
May 14, 2008 at 12:19 pm |
I’ve already told you. Any further clarification I attempted to give you would be spat back in my face with the usual ‘what do you know, you’re an illustrator’ shtick. If you want the full breakdown, arrange an interview with the artist.
May 14, 2008 at 12:20 pm |
“I love the way the audience appears to be made up of both proper headbangers (not that guff that passes for headbanging these days) and girls who just happened to pop in on their way back from Chelsea Girl with their carrier bags full of, no doubt, pedal pushers.”
Sounds very similar to the make up of the recent Led Zep reunion audience.
May 14, 2008 at 12:28 pm |
I’m meeting Joe next week for a chat
Re. the vid, is it wise to keep underage girls near Philthy Phil? I recall Jailbait was dedicated to him and his proclivity for 16 year olds
May 14, 2008 at 12:32 pm |
Then he’ll fill you in.
Re: The vid – No, that’s not wise.
May 14, 2008 at 12:43 pm |
What, sexwise? Like Philthy Phil Phills Phillies?
May 14, 2008 at 12:45 pm |
Huh?
May 14, 2008 at 12:47 pm |
That one with the pink sweater around her shoulders does look about ready though.
May 14, 2008 at 12:48 pm |
Piqued – your F Word article belongs on Watch With Mothers.
Even though you’re not technically a scab, the word is perfect phonetically in terms of how i think of you at present.
SCAB
May 14, 2008 at 12:54 pm |
i was once motivated to buy an expensive bongo mag at a railway station branch of WH Smiths purely because it had some grainy photos of Geri Halliwell naked, taken before she was a Spice Girl and presumably had other career plans. it wasn’t an impulse buy either, i planned the entire sordid little operation for days.
May 14, 2008 at 1:02 pm |
SH, it was basically a pop at Halliwell which is why I didn’t put it on WWM
Sorry for any confusion, and sorry to you Napoleon
Sorry guys
Soz
May 14, 2008 at 1:03 pm |
That was Club International in the early 90s, wasn’t it, JonR? I did the self-same thing.
May 14, 2008 at 1:07 pm |
Club International was the best grot mag out there. Probably still is.
May 14, 2008 at 1:08 pm |
Can’t have been, he would’ve been 4 Napoleon
(I did though)
May 14, 2008 at 1:10 pm |
I wouldn’t have any other softcore publication in the house (unless I found half a Razzle under a hedge). Sadly, they let it go down-market in about 2001. It’s not the same any more, alas.
May 14, 2008 at 1:23 pm |
I’m still in love with a woman called ‘Charlotte’ who cropped up in riding gear in 1994. God, I WANTED that woman. I still do. I do, I do.
May 14, 2008 at 1:24 pm |
Cropped up in Club International, that is.
May 14, 2008 at 1:45 pm |
With a riding cropped?
May 14, 2008 at 1:53 pm |
She had one of those too. I loved that woman. Sadly, as is always the way with pornography, the magazine was ‘borrowed’, and I never saw it again. I always say you don’t own porn, you simply keep hold of it for the person who’s going to steal it from you.
May 14, 2008 at 2:08 pm |
I realise the above statement doesn’t apply now you can overdose on 24 hour spangle thanks to the internet.
May 14, 2008 at 2:09 pm |
…who then kindly dumps it in the woods by a tree near a stream for a 12 year old Piqued and his mate to find. That was a good day, I think I had my first tab too
May 14, 2008 at 2:12 pm |
There was special spot under a tree out in the fens where kindly gentlemen deposited ripped-up mucky books for us young folk to find. It was on the way to Swineshead’s house.
The railway lines also delivered forth a glorious bounty of used grumble, if you knew where to look. Glory days.
May 14, 2008 at 2:34 pm |
Yes, oddly these woods were by a railway track, what is it with railway workers and Swineshead’s dad
May 14, 2008 at 2:40 pm |
for reasons i can’t be arsed to go into, i am currently in possession of a particularly joyless slice of jazz cinema bought in the “bargain bin” of an Amsterdam sex shop, we’ve recently moved house and my wife asked me to get rid, instead i’m just carrying the DVD around in my bag, taking it to work every day like a big fate-tempting moron.
i just don’t know what to do with it. i had considered stuffing it in a hedge to get some sort of cosmic porn karma, but i’m open to other suggestions. what would you do with a video featuring German drug addicts, “swordfighting” etc? i tried watching it, it just made me sad.
May 14, 2008 at 2:45 pm |
It was actually my older brother
*true fact*
May 14, 2008 at 2:58 pm |
JonR- To the hedge with it! Imagine the joy you’ll bring to a dirty-minded thirteen year old.
Swineshead – Was it? Why did he feel the need to rip the stuff up?
May 14, 2008 at 3:09 pm |
It was anger Napoleon, naked women enrage him, he thinks they’re dirty
May 14, 2008 at 3:46 pm |
IT’S ME.
May 14, 2008 at 3:55 pm |
Bugger, they’ve all gone. I had an exam, y’buggers.
May 14, 2008 at 4:29 pm |
HA HA! GREAT post! I’m sure it was worth writing, whatever it was. Meanwhile, Piqued’s three readers might want to take a break from his miserable whining, and rock their cocks to my NEWLY UPDATED XXX FUMPO-PORNO up-the-Nigella MILF DIRT SITE – NIGELLA IN BEANS. Would you rather be shoving beans up a hot sauce-lubricated haricot shute than reading this paedophile’s site? I would! Which is why I urge you to follow me to the promised land that is NIGELLA IN BEANS! GO THERE NOW!
http://nigellainbeans.blogspot.com/
May 14, 2008 at 4:43 pm |
He used to have a time share scheme with fellow fenster, Craig Wright. They’d leave grot mags in those bushes for one another so they could up their consumption at half the price. In fact, I believe Craig got his for free as his father was a sexual deviant.
The reason they were all battered was because they were left out for night on end and got all rain on them.
May 14, 2008 at 4:46 pm |
Oh, I see. So how do explain the jizz stains?
May 14, 2008 at 6:33 pm |
I heard on the radio this morning that Gerri decided to re-write the bible.. yes, can you believe that shit? I heard it on Q107.
May 15, 2008 at 9:35 am |
I can beleive it…
‘In the beginnning there was nothing? Until I, Geri, wore a tiny union jack dress?’
geri x:ivv