I had a fucking awful day in the office yesterday. In addition to discovering that a few members of staff had attempted to undermine a directive in my absence, I lost some money, something that isn’t particularly helpful at the best of times, this not being one of them.
The ride home allowed me to readjust, but there was one more vicious surprise in store. As I parked up the front door opened and Cunt walked out and begun speaking at me all friendly like, like I was his best fucking mate.
I tried pushing past via a series of congenial nods and timed ‘ha, yes’ but he stood in front of my door and insisted he talk at me still wearing his dark glasses. It was fucking awful. His lips were cracked and flecked with white from lack of water and his breath smelt strongly of acetone and shit. The stuff coming out of it was utter, utter, nonsense, hyperbole aside, twaddle to the point I was pretty sure he’d dropped something (aside from his guts into his gob) then realising he probably hadn’t.
This is what I learnt; he doesn’t believe in an afterlife but believes there is a heaven (can I remind you that I was completely passive throughout all this, I just wanted a lull in this guff so I could go inside). He didn’t know that that Brazil was a third world country despite having a Brazilian daughter, girlfriend and having just spent 2 months there with them. In fact, he didn’t beleive me until I ‘promised’. He’s not worked for two years because of music and art ‘commitments’, I pointed out that it was actually five years and in his confusion managed to open my front door as this information filtered through. He’s a kung foo expert. He reckons he’s been exhibiting his ‘art’ in Brazil and began moaning on how expensive it was to get gallery space in the UK as I prevented myself from biting off my lower set of dentures, I curtly suggested that to get a piece of work in the Summer Exhibition (“what’s that?”) at the Royal Academy of Art (“where?”) was free before just pushing past him muttering something about needing to stab myself through the testis with a fork and slamming the door behind me sweating and gasping like Jonathan King busting one over that lad from the Sixth Sense who sees dead people…
And, I still stayed off the pop, despite all that. Instead I soothed myself with roast potatoes and sausages and played Scarface imaging every single recipient of my violence was wearing dark glasses, had bad breath and the brains of a rocking horse. And was expert at Kung Foo.
A gorgeous bank holiday weekend looms so no Piqued on Monday, in the meantime the Friday list then some ‘I was listening to them fucking years before they became big’ rock and a sincere wish that your weekend and what have you are bloody ace of spades.
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May 23, 2008 at 9:38 am |
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_c-4krcj9JI
the vid was removed, here it is
May 23, 2008 at 9:40 am |
Kung ‘foo’??
Brazil isn’t a third world country, it’s a type of nut, surely?
May 23, 2008 at 9:56 am |
I was being flippant re ‘foo’
It is a walnut isn’t it?
May 23, 2008 at 4:11 pm |
I really don’t understand why you just didn’t tell him to fuck off then hit him with something VERY hard. Violent, yes, risk of arrest, yes but you could plead insanity caused by having a twat for a neighbour. It worked for a friend of mine but then she was an ex-copper so the old boys club might have helped!
May 23, 2008 at 10:23 pm |
that list just gets more impressive every week. or do I mean less impressive?
May 27, 2008 at 10:26 am |
Where’s today’s blog? WHERE
May 27, 2008 at 11:41 am |
It’s there mate, look