The fucking BBC have done it again, after promising me a weekend of furious dark rain they’ve suddenly decided that it’s going to be hotter and sunnier than Darfur. I mean what is the point?! There I am struggling to pay their licence fee, a vast proportion of which is donated to their weather department, which is obviously being spent on fairy cakes, balloons and days out to Chessington World of Adventures. They are taking the piss! (And clowns probably).
I would’ve been failing in my duty if I didn’t rant about Wimbledon fortnight last year, I’m about to do it again so hold tight.
It’s bad enough living and working near Wimbledon. It’s one of the most dreadful Towns I’ve ever had the misfortune to spare any change in. It’s sterile bland vacuous dull miserable boring obtuse fallacious drab and dreary, it’s like dying on the toilet after being abandoned by everyone and everything you ever loved and your putrefying remains not being found for weeks.
Occasionally I’m forced to under take a mission there, an actually briefed and planned organised mission to procure an item of desire cleanly and swiftly as possible. In yesterdays instance it was some new pants, we’ll come back to those later. After pootling into vector sw19 h.e.l.l I parked up and made my way through the voluminous mass of wankers that like tennis. Not content to make itself the home to a squad of tedious semi-criminal alcoholics, for some reason Wimbledon thinks it’s a good idea to then invite in a herd of really fucking weird thousand-yard-stare (a good proportion infirm and disabled) Tennis fans, a sport more disheartening than prison showers.
For two solid weeks, in addition to the 3 wheelchair bound beggars (one of which seems to lose a limb every time I see her) the whole street is criss-crossed with walking sticks tapping on ponderous pavements, it begs the question why? Is it some sort of exercise in perversion, a bondage kink, I may not being able to walk but I’m bloody happy to sit all day long on the baking hot sun and watch young people leap up and down for fucking hours pointlessly passing a ball to each other. It’s like watching porn without a penis, or if you’re a lady reading this, having your fundament filled with cement.
Back to the pants briefly (da boom boom tish) since when did a pair, one pair of fucking pants cost over £20?? Yes, one can buy a pack of 300 pants for 4 and half p from TK Mart or whatever but they’re about as effective as Dairylea cheese slices. There doesn’t seem to be any middle ground, it’s either walk about with your pills jangling about in rizla thin polyester before one or both fall out or spend the money and cosset your vast manhood in luxury cotton designer splendour which will last longer than your children’s children I should imagine.
Today’s video is hilarious, in places knowingly so, still be in doubt that this sort of shit really didn’t go down well in the 80’s in terms of the moral majority. This band invented a genre, read all about it http://music.guardian.co.uk/rock/story/0,,2287472,00.html
then watch the vid and have gorgeous weekends after suffering the list o’ fried.
Do these things to please me.
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June 27th, 2008 at 11:09 am
If you hate it so much, why not move to Oval? Or Wembley?
As for pants – what brand do you go for?
June 27th, 2008 at 11:22 am
I think we’ve established he no longer goes for Dairylea. Perhaps you should try Crackerbarrel undies Piqued- strong yet maleable, good at masking odours and delicious afterwards. (As long as you are deaf in the mouth.)
June 27th, 2008 at 11:31 am
M&S do three packs of perfectly good pants for about £8. If you’re spending £20 on one pair, you’re an arsehole, frankly.
June 27th, 2008 at 11:43 am
I didn’t NC, 12 quid on 2 pairs of bollock loving Sloggi’s (SH) they’ll last me a lifetime. False economy buying cheap pants…
I’d no more than wear M&S pants than I would shit on a baby, they are the pants of politicians and cads NC
June 27th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
They’re good pants. Excellent support for the balls and a healthy price. And they’ll last you longer than any brand name pair of pants you care to mention. Sloggi, indeed.
June 27th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Tony Blairs wear them NC, you wear the same pants as Tony Blairs!
You actually do that thing, you
(…wear the same pants as a Toni Blaresz that is)
June 27th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
I may wear the same pants as him, but at least I had the decency to not vote for the warmongering twit.
June 27th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
If that was a valid argument it’s negated by your vicious choice of Blairpantz.
It further suggests you fancy his wife Cherie and, therefore, Claire Short, which, by default, suggests YOUR WANTING TO TOUCH THE VIRGIN CLOUT OF ANNE WIDDECOMBES
You disgust me more than Hitler.
June 27th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
You’re even a ponce when it comes to clothes only your nearest and dearest will ever see… congrats!
June 27th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Yeah, NC. Eat that…
June 27th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Sorry about that. I was playing a touch of Scarface.
Anyway, my argument’s perfectly valid, thanks very much. And I don’t fancy Blair’s wife, or Claire Short. I wouldn’t mind getting my hands on Widdicombe’s udders, mind. Christ, what magical udders.
June 27th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
It’s bloody good that
Have you taken out the Diaz gang yet, I keep getting knacked
June 27th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
I’m on a boat trying to defuse bombs after flying over it and shooting loads of folk in a chopper. I think I’ve already taken down the Diaz lot. The Little Havana bit, yes?
I blame Swineshead for this.
June 27th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Yes, that’s the chap, I’ve been on the cunt for a week now, once the car is wrecked one is fucked, last time I died I was one shot off killing the leader as well. I burst into tears
I blame SH too… been eaten by a shark yet?
June 27th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
I did that fucker first time around, if memory serves. Are you shooting the shit out of him and his car, or barging into him? If you try running him off the road, you’ll fuck your motor over. I just shot him.
So far I’ve taken over Little Havana, Downtown, most of South Beach, and am ploughing through the islands (the boat bit I was on about). I’ve not been eaten by a shark yet though.
June 27th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
It comes as quite a shock actually… I farted blood when it happened
I was trying to barge into him but as that didn’t work I went back to shooting… The car they give you is rubbish, I don’t think it’s got an MOT either but as it’s on privately owned land it’s legitimate.
Tell you what though; I reckon the owner of car will lose his no claims bonus!!!!!!!!!!
Hey, I wouldn’t want to be paying his insurance premium!!!!!!!
*slashes wrists laughing manically*
June 27th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
LOL!!!!!!!!!
June 27th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
But seriously though, you need to go in at the fucker at an angle, shooting all the way. If you can take him on the inside, you’ll keep that piece o’ shit motor of yours close to his, and then you can ram him up against a tree and pump that fucker’s ass full of … hang on a minute …
*reads what he’s just written*
… I’ll stop there.
June 27th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
There is that cruise control option which doesn’t help, I really hate that when I’m trying to cap someone mothers arse I really do
June 27th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Cruise control? I don’t know if that’s on the PC version.
June 27th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
That’s a blessing in disguise I reckon
Btw, have you noticed Lemmy as the guy you can buy weapons off?
June 27th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
Yes. Another classic performance by a rock star there. He’s also in the upcoming Brutal Legend – there’s loads of the buggers in that.
June 27th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
I chatted to him for a while before beating him to death
Felt awful afterwards
June 27th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
That was nice of you. I didn’t even realise you could beat him to death. I’ve tried killing loads of the fuckers, and I’ve not been allowed. I chatted up a blonde and she agreed to hang out at my mansion, and I thought, “I think I’ll pop back to the house and beat her to death.” Was I allowed to? Was I arse. In The Godfather, you can drag men and women down alleyways and smack their heads against walls until they die – much more fun when you’re stuck.
Actually, the myriad of ways you can murder people in The Godfather is frankly staggering. Good game that – highly recommended.
June 27th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
I’ve not played that…
Is it better than Scarface?
June 27th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Not better, just different. It’s got a very nice 1940s New York to drive around in. The best thing about it is how closely it follows the first two movies. Your story runs alongside the films, interacting at key points (such as trying to prevent Sonny getting killed, protecting Don Corleone when they try to assassinate him, setting up the gun for Michael to use in the restaurant, etc.). It also has a very good combat system – as I say, you can really go to town on people in a way you can’t in Scarface. The cars handle nicely too. I liked it a lot.
If you’re thinking of getting it, I’d recommend you get the jazzed-up version for the PS2. The previous version had very similar interiors, whereas the new one farts about with it to not make it seem so samey.
June 27th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Anyway, I’m off out (that’s right – out). Have a good ‘un.
Bit civilised that, wasn’t it?
June 27th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
It was indeed, have a good evening and weekend NC
I’ll take you up on your ‘mend too
Toodle pip
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