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No drink, no drugs, last night was more boring than a beige stapler –actually, if you were to actually manufacture beige staplers and market them in the right circles they’d probably be quite cool, so that metaphor probably failed. The fact remains intact.

Making it worse was that I cycled in and out of work so by the time I began to eat broccoli in the evening I felt like Tim Henman or Sebastian Coe, a sport-cunt frankly. My woes were exacerbated when, through sheer boredom, I decided to adjust my beloved face furniture and nicked off half a bugger grip, subsequent adjustment resulted in my having no bugger grips, chin strap or underlip stamp, just a huge potato with sad brown eyes blinking back at me.

Despite looking and feeling like David Cameron the desire to neck a bottle of wine, drop a dove and smoke myself into Dylan I managed to switch on my PC and wank it all away. Then I had a glass of water and watched TV.

My only small saviour in all of this was tobacco. David Bowie once said that quitting smoking is harder than giving up smack, never having had to give up smack (despite trying it once by accident) I can only imagine how hard it is to give up smack, as quitting the tabs seems insurmountable. Last night roll ups became more than just ‘something I do’ and transmogrified into ‘treat’ status.

I’ve a deadline hanging over my head like the Sword of Damocles and I need to get on but I’ve the most excellent reward lined up for myself this evening in the form of IC, dinner and sweet, sweet Horse, I mean, wine.

Oh Speaking of David Cameron, you fucking racist tit-witted cunt, for Christ sake, dear reader, New Labour may be a bumbling arsehole but to make genuine racist comments such as the filth that spewed from the mouth of that over privileged abortion must render them as wholly unelectable? We may be having a 1970’s economy but to resort to the awful days of 1970’s racism is beyond the fucking pail. In my opinion he should be arrested and charged for inciting racial hatred, such comments can lead directly to fucking riots. Mark my words, the Tories get into power and you’ll see the rivers of blood Enoch Powell predicted, not for the reasons he cited but for the attitude that wrote the speech.