parsp

When I came home last night a Yellow-Pages thick envelope was waiting for my attention on my doorstep, well, I say ‘my doorstep,’ I don’t have a fucking doorstep, I pass over the freeholders at enormous speed in order to gain access to my flat before being subject to inane conversation from Cunt (the latest being ‘have you just been to the pub for a beer and a good smoke?’) who lurks downstairs like a touched Morlock.

I opened the package and discovered with mixed blessings (happy to go, just very lazy) that my Solicitors have been in touch -I’m destined to spend most of the day discreetly filling out a tonne of forms, my single aim today is to have it completed before I get home- and one of the things they require is a proof of identity, such as a copy of my passport, no problemo yeah, I have a scanner and shit, just pop it under the… holy fucking jesus, it expires in a fortnight.

It’s not that I’m going abroad in the next month or so, the expiry isn’t the issue, it’s the passport photograph that is. For the last three decades they’ve all been reprehensible and each taken prior to an overhaul of the way I look physically. I spent my 20’s looking like I’d just been nicked at Stonehenge for selling smack and the soon-to-be superseded incarnation features yours truly as follower of The Horned One, black hair down to my arse and a large soul patch denoting deviant sexual practice.

For the past few years passing through customs has been a living nightmare, the sour-faced authorities take a dim view of the weak-smiled appeaser presented in conjunction with the frozen face of The Prince of Death. Instead of relying on visual clues it’s as if they stare into your very soul sucking your identity out of the marrow in your bones. Honestly, by the time I’m out the airport I feel quietly violated.

Doubtless my short-ish haired biker/tramp look will be consigned to the annals of history in a month potentially causing unprecedented disruption. Even if I decide to be clean-shaven again I’ll still be presenting customs with an image of, in their eyes, an Islamist. I could shave it off now and save myself the bother but the chance to get a free rectal examination is too good a chance to give over. Now that’s the violation I like.

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