morbalspleez

This heat business is getting beyond a joke. It’s one thing to flop about the weekend feeling all fait and gorgeous and another entirely to sit leaking in sweatshop on the brink of crying frustrated jets of steam because your bum crack won’t stop playing The Ganges. The evening isn’t much better, last night relief came in the form of both a bath and a shower but the in-between parts were tongue-lolling hideousness. Someone please make it stop.

Apparently during a heatwave -and we’re officially in one, the last pre-dates Piqued by 6 months- the suicide and murder rate shoot way above the national average. The reason is obvious, boiling rage churns with buried childish memories of summer holidays when life meant play, men not used to wearing shorts walk about the streets in a state of clueless derangement, women of all ages dress like they’re 17 on a night out in Sunderland. Slowly, we’re all going stark staring mad…

All this horror plays off on a background of Tennis, and as I work in fucking Wimbledon all that shit about a Scotsman being the first Brit (he’s not British, he’s a Scotch) to win Wimbledon since Sir Ronald Braithwaite-Smythe in 1456 or something is right here in my sweltering face. Ooooh, you can almost taste the tension etc., bollocks.

The sorts of people that like tennis are cunts. Short-haired, privately schooled men, petit my-shit-don’t-stink girls with flawless skin and rancid eyes and Germans, squadrons of ‘em, dour, humourless and vast. If Wimbledon reckons it’s so fucking good then why isn’t it only on 2 weeks of the year? I can tell you why, shit, boring and Cliff Richard.

I think I’d better stop now; this heat is driving me crazy.

Two Family Guys before the fucking Friday list…

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